Do you ever find yourself saying, ‘Whatever happened to common sense?’
In the same vein, have you asked, ‘Why aren’t people logical, sensible?’ If you answered yes, would you like to know how not to go barmy when other people’s actions are driving you to despair? I have a suggestion for you to try.
Before I go there, I have a question for you; how different is the other person to you? If your answer is ‘very’, then why do you expect them to have the same or similar logic as you? Now, hold that thought.
I can remember rhetorically stating to my brother, ‘Whatever happened to your common sense?’ That did not go down well.
Life became a lot easier once I ‘Fuhgoddaboudit’ – logic – that is.
This change occurred when I came across the work of Bill Eddy, one of the world’s leading high-conflict specialists. It was upon hearing Bill talking about ‘Fuhgeddaboudit’ that I started to think about how different the other person was from myself. And then the penny dropped. You know the ah-ha moment? That was when I realised that it is crazy to assume that they would have the same view or the same logic as me. Life became simpler as I let go of ‘presenting my view’ and wishing that they would see ‘my’ logic.
My approach shifted from presenting my views to asking lots of questions in order to better understand why their approach worked for them. Why was it important to them? This shift made a huge difference. As I matured in my thinking, I started to realise that:
The people who’s thoughts were most different to my own
were the views that I needed to hear the most.
I had to learn to embrace their wisdom (yes wisdom) and their experience.
Now with a few more years under my belt, I have come to learn that I was falling victim to ‘Selective Perception’ bias.
So, why is ‘sensible, logical and common sense’ problematic?
As words they are problematic because they are subjective, assumptions, dismissive and a deletion.
By subjective I mean, the view is based on personal opinion and your view may differ from their’s.
By an assumption I mean, the speaker may be assuming that their view is appropriate and differing views are not.
By dismissive I mean, the speaker may be interpreted as dismissing the views or logic of others.
By deletion I mean, not all necessary information may be visible or is apparent to everyone.
In conversation, these words are problematic as they could be
a trigger to numerous responses.
Others may:
- Feel as if their view or thought process is being dismissed
- Feel insulted/angry
- Feel like you are belittling them
- Feel like you are being publicly rude
- Feel too annoyed and angry to seek more information or ask clarifying questions
- Try not to respond negatively and make the situation worse
- Withdraw or shut down.
The next time you ask yourself, ‘Why can’t they get it?’ ask yourself, ‘Are you judging them as you hear yourself justify your view?’ This judgement is often felt by others.
If this path continues and becomes a pattern, the relationship will deteriorate.
Things to consider could include, perhaps:
- You have not provided enough information.
- Not enough information is known by all.
My suggestions for your consideration are:
- Other people’s approach to the same situation could work (perhaps even better than yours)
- Make space for each other’s views
- Be flexible with your thinking
- Be open to alternative views and new possibilities.
- Be open to other people
I now love learning new approaches and appreciate the logic of others even if I don’t always agree with them.
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Tess Brook is a communication specialist and author.
She transforms organisations by creating awareness of our communication needs, differences and patterns via her signature workshop ‘The Trouble with Talking’. Problematic words feature in her workshop. Reach out to her learn more about this workshop. Tess@cohesiveconversations.guru
When she is not transforming organisations, she can be found discovering a new corner of the world to sit and write. She and her husband love rummaging through old bookstores for gems. They live on a sailboat with their two dogs and cat.