In the absence of a personal translator or a Babel fish (think Douglas Adams of Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy), we all need to be slightly more curious and inquisitive, and ask more questions. Clarifying questions, to be precise.
Why? Because the English language as spoken is gloriously imprecise.
It’s an agreed library of sounds that are put together to convey meaning and information. The problem is that creating a shared understanding requires more detail.
At times we are very good at being precise. Take for example ordering a coffee.
This can be seen in every café around the globe. The conversation sounds like:
Me: ‘I would love a flat white, half strength, almond milk, no sugar’.
Barista: ‘What size would you like?’
Me: ‘Oh, I forgot the size. I will have a regular’.
Barista: ‘Thanks Tessa’
We are detailed because we are connected to the outcome.
And a nice coffee -just right – will make me happy. If it is not – just right – I am left feeling a little dissatisfied or annoyed. Either at them for getting it wrong, or maybe at myself because I forgot to say, ‘Almond Milk’.
The same can be said about everyday workplace conversations. Our conversation outcomes will improve if we master the art of asking clarifying questions.
Here’s why.
There are numerous things we tend to do with our language. We all use:
- deletions
- generalisations
- distortions.
To top it off, we make assumptions to fill the gaps.
By deletion I mean; not all necessary information may be visible or is apparent to everyone.
For example, your boss says, ‘Let’s do this efficiently’. This is problematic as you may have different views of what efficiently means.
The missing definition is a deletion and therefore making its interpretation subjective.
The question is; Are we more connected to looking like we know what he wants in that moment, rather than walking away with a clear expectation of what he wants? OK, that is a little unfair.
You can always find out later what efficiently means. Off course you can. But will you?
By generalisation I mean, we use terms, labels, or expressions that other people are supposed to know. Or not. Perhaps we rely on them not asking for whatever reason. And we make assumptions as to what they mean.
For example, your teenager says, ‘I am hanging out at Harry’s tonight’. You assume that Harry is a new Uni friend. You don’t know that it is the newest bar in town.
In a work context, how often do we not ask for an expression to be explained because we feel like we should know. How does that usually end up?
By distortion I mean, the words we use mis-represent the situation. These distortions come in many guises.
It could sound like:
- ‘This is a total disaster?’
- ‘Everyone thinks/knows this/is upset’.
One of the most common ones we hear all the time: ‘It is urgent!’ and then you discover after you have dropped everything to get that urgent thing done, that they really did not need it until the end of the week.
Unfortunately, using distortions in your communication risks diverting attention to the distortion and consequently competes with your message and depowers your credibility.
Now let’s apply clarifying questions to these situations:
With deletions – ask for the missing information.
Ask your boss, what does efficiently mean to him. It could sound like,
‘I don’t want to make any assumptions here, can you tell me when you need this by and …’ or
‘I want to be sure we are on the same page…’
With generalisations – ask others to be more specific.
Don’t assume. Ask them. It could sound like,
‘What do you mean by….?’
‘Can you give me more detail/be more specific?’
‘I would like to know more; can you take me through it?’
Most people respond well to the latter as they feel as if their needs are being met. You can follow up with,
‘From the information I have at hand, x appears to be important.’
Alternatively, you could turn your concern into an enquiry.
‘You have probably already thought about this, I would like to know how you would approach xxx.’
And finally, with distortions, ignore them.
Ask, when someone says, ‘This is a total disaster!’ ignore the distortion and ask them,
‘What are you most concerned about’?
And, when someone says, ‘Everyone is upset’. Ask a few clarifying questions. You can pretty much guarantee that they probably can’t tell you who said it. Focus on understanding what people are upset about
Ask:
‘What appears to be the issue?’
And seek to understand it. Stay away from the generalisation of the word ‘everyone’. The truth tends to fall out in the detail.
Then summarise, e.g. ‘I understand that a couple of people in your team are upset about the new Christmas rooster’.
We all need to be slightly more curious, more inquisitive and ask more clarifying questions. If you connect to the benefit of understanding more than the pain of asking the question, you will incrementally improve your communication outcomes. If you do it consistently, people will get used to it. You will save time, reduce re-work and increase other people’s confidence in you. They will feel heard, they will believe that you have understood their needs, and they will know that if you have a question, you will ask them.
Let me know when how you go when you ask your next clarifying question.