Meeting others in their zone: Have you ever walked away from a conversation wondering what you have you said or done to warrant the slightly annoyed, maybe even intolerant response that you received? Ultimately, you conclude it is probably just them having a bad day. You lock this information away until the next conversation. When it comes around you hesitate; perhaps even delay. After all, the last conversation was uncomfortable and you really don’t know why.
There are many possibilities as to why conversations are not as effective as they could be. In The Trouble with Talking Series, I explore the challenges that impact conversations and most importantly provide you with simple strategies and techniques to learn, apply and own.
This post kicks off the series with the strategy I call, ‘Meeting others in their zone’. This strategy will help many of you navigate that first touch point that sets the tone of your conversation before you even say a word. Most of the time many of us don’t realise that we have blown the moment.
The following scenario is based on a true story. Names and context have been changed.
Imagine this, you (Ben) are an engineer deep in thought working through a design solution. It is complex. It takes time to get your head around all the facets of the situation before you can begin to think about a solution.
Your thoughts are shattered by Eliza, the relatively new manager. She is high energy, fast talking and demanding. Eliza says hi, starts barking her request and when she needs it by. Your productive thought bubble is shattered.
Unfortunately, this forms the pattern of future conversations. Ben finds Eliza demanding to the point of bullying. Eliza hears rumours about a pending bullying complaint. Eliza finds Ben passive-aggressive and solemn to the point of being rude. She does not know how to handle meeting others in their zone.
What happened next is magic.
One of their colleagues Tony, had good rapport with both of them, had observed and realised what was happening. He had reason to ask Eliza about some information he was needing. She said she had not asked Ben for it yet.
Tony said, ‘Follow me and observe’. So off they went downstairs. Yes, this is a case where the management team offices were upstairs.
They went to Ben’s workstation. Eliza stood half a step behind Tony.
They stood there quietly for a moment, until Ben saw them. Tony just gave him a nod and stayed where he was standing. Previously he would say, ‘When you are ready.’ These words were no longer necessary as they understood each other.
Ben turned and gave them his full attention a couple of minutes later.
Afterwards, Tony took Eliza out for a coffee and asked permission to give her some feedback. She said yes. Tony had done Ben’s job before being elevated to his management role. He knew how intense the thinking is. He also knew that Eliza is full-on. Her energy is very much ‘in-your-face’. The pace she thinks at, is blinding and most people can’t keep up.
He explained how he learnt to meet others in their zone and the magic that comes with it.
He explained in the situation with Ben, he could simply say something along the lines of, ‘When you are ready?’. In other situations, for unscheduled catchups, he could ask, ‘Is this a good time?’ In turn, you will get their time and attention, as you have demonstrated that you respect theirs.
Takeaway
Meet others in their zone
If you want to see change you need to be willing to try something different.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
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Tess Brook is a communication specialist and author.
She transforms organisations by creating awareness of our communication needs, differences and patterns via her signature workshop, ‘The Trouble with Talking’. Exploring the challenges of meeting each other in their zone is featured in her workshop. Reach out to Tess to learn more about this workshop. Tess@cohesiveconversations.guru
When she is not transforming organisations, she can be found discovering a new corner of the world to sit and write. She and her husband love rummaging through old bookstores for gems. They live on their sailboat Saboteur with their two dogs and Zac the cat.