Are you feeling uncomfortable because of other people’s behaviour? If yes, do you need to create some personal breathing space?
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I would like to explore the concept of creating breathing space from a number of angles.
Let’s face it, if you find someone’s behaviour unacceptable, it can make you feel uncomfortable. The challenge is we tend to not say anything, lest we make the situation worse. In doing so we are effectively giving others permission to continue their ‘unacceptable’ behaviour. The only certainty out of this course of action is that we will continue to be annoyed. Most likely we will also withdraw consequently communication will be less than ideal.
There is a chance that the other person may have no idea that their behaviour is annoying or unacceptable. From my mediation experience, most people don’t wake up with the intention to annoy someone else. Often workplace issues start with a simple misunderstanding that has not been addressed allowing assumptions and gossips to fuel inaccuracy and then the situation escalates. By not communicating your boundaries, you are allowing the situation to take a path that is much harder to recover from. How much of your headspace is going to be consumed while you remain annoyed?
So in reality, is your inaction acceptable?
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We often start by observing others and assuming that they have a of lack of awareness around their behaviour. I ask you to turn your lens internally and ask yourself how well do you know yourself and your triggers?
Creating your breathing space is as much about observing and understanding others as it is about observing and understanding yourself. To do this you need to work out your personal boundaries.
Identifying what you consider to be acceptable and unacceptable behaviour will set limitations to the behaviours that you are prepared to allow into a conversation. Furthermore, having personal and professional boundaries will protect both you and the other person you need to talk to.
What behaviours are unacceptable to you? Could it be things like:
- Raised voice (shouting yelling)
- Talking over you (or others)
- Taking the conversation off topic
- Tardiness
- Not listening
Perhaps they may be a little more aggressive, such as:
- Accusations, assumptions and conspiracies
- Blaming others
- Being rude
Alternatively, it could be things like:
- Gossip and inappropriate small talk
- Isolating behaviours
- Behaviours that create team splits
Which ones are simply annoying and which ones are a real trigger for you?
Being able to say that a specific behaviour is not acceptable is a far more powerful message than telling someone that they are not being respectful. To start with, telling someone that they are not being respectful is an assumption. It assumes you know their intent. It has the ability to make things worse.
I would like to share a personal example from my younger self. I was a young manager and would encourage my staff to come up with ideas. Both parties loved it, and I would get excited and jump in. Then, in my excitement, I would take over the idea and make it bigger than Ben Hur. My staff were very polite and hopefully, knew I was excited. However one day another manager, very politely pointed out to me my tendency to do this in meetings. It was a big wakeup call. I was horrified, as it was not my intention to steal other people’s ideas and I learnt then that I needed to adjust my behaviour in both meetings and with my team.
Being able to politely call out what is unacceptable provides useful information that is informative and therefore actionable.
As in my example, the other manager gave me specific information along with some tips to try, thus making it actionable for me. Likewise, if you provide useful information, it creates awareness and becomes a choice for the other person to either stop the unacceptable behaviour or to continue.
If you don’t make your request, you will not know if they might take action or not.
Imagine what it would feel like if you spoke to them about their behaviour. If you created awareness of the impacts of their actions and gave them a chance to understand your perspective. To explain theirs, and hopefully adjust their behaviour accordingly.
Imagine how much less headspace you will consume going over and over your annoyance.
Create your breathing space. I challenge you, next time you are annoyed to have a constructive conversation within 24 hours of encountering the unacceptable behaviour. Then see just how much headspace you can free up for the rest of the week.
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Tess Brook is a communication specialist and author.
She transforms organisations by creating awareness of our communication needs, differences and patterns via her signature workshop ‘The Trouble with Talking’. Problematic words feature in her workshop. Reach out to her learn more about this workshop. Tess@cohesiveconversations.guru
When she is not transforming organisations, she can be found discovering a new corner of the world to sit and write. She and her husband love rummaging through old bookstores for gems. They live on a sailboat with their two dogs and cat.