Are you comfortable exiting a dysfunctional conversation?
Imagine this, the conversation has reached a point where it is no longer constructive for either person to stay, would you exit?
It’s not something that most of us think about. This is because we’ve been so focused on having the conversation that the idea of leaving it before it’s finished seems completely counterintuitive.
We need to rethink this.
Would you exit if you:
- could no longer stay focused and in control of your thoughts?
- could no longer keep the conversation on topic? (this is when the other person repeatedly takes a conversation off on tangents)
- experience emotional reactions which you can no longer master that were getting in the way of you being able to have a constructive conversation?
The above questions are about you.
It may feel a little strange to you that you can exit a conversation based on the above. Don’t overthink it. Let the idea sit with you.
Would you exit the conversation if the other person:
- was not being constructive?
- was repeatedly taking the topic off on a tangent (despite repeated attempts to bring it back on point)?
- starts personalising and attacking you?
- starts blaming others?
- uses inappropriate language and gestures?
- displays intimidating behaviour?
- was being accusatory towards you and/or others?
What would you struggle with and why?
Would you exit if the other person is:
- not listening to you?
- listening only for pauses so they can speak?
- not giving you the opportunity to speak?
- dismissing your point of view?
The last two sets of questions are specifically about the other person’s behaviour with the latter set focusing on whether the other person is allowing you and your voice into the conversation. It could be deliberate, or it could be unconscious. Beware though there is a danger in assuming it’s deliberate.
Would you exit the conversation if:
- the other person kept going around and around in circles stuck on a point?
- Neither of you could progress the conversation at that time?
This last set of questions focuses largely on being efficient. It’s about not pushing through the conversation without getting anywhere and about not wasting time. It’s about asking “do you simply need a break to reschedule while you work out new ways to refocus and communicate”?
Ask yourself:
- what are they stuck on?
- why do you think it’s important to them?
- What are you stuck on?
- why is it important to you?
There are so many reasons why we should exit a dysfunctional workplace conversation. You don’t have to exit. It is a choice.
The question I pose, for you personally is “would the conversation have a greater chance of achieving a better outcome if you were to exit, rethink and reconvene”? As opposed to pushing through in the forlorn hope of a positive result when none are prevailing?
If you answer yes, the conversation will have a greater chance of achieving a better outcome if we were to exit, then why don’t we? If our boundaries are crossed, our buttons pushed and we are triggered, we tend to shut up and say nothing for fear of making it worse. Or we overreact and risk making it worse.
Understanding our boundaries and triggers is essential to mastering our communications.
This is essential to being able to comfortably and professional exit a dysfunctional conversation.
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Tess Brook is a blogger, author and coach.
Her first step into the publishing world delivered ‘EXIT How to Professionally Exit A Dysfunctional Workplace Conversation’. A little book packed with a punch. Feel the power of taking control of your conversations, exiting, resetting, preparing, and starting it fresh.
Bill Eddy (Chief Innovation Officer at the High Conflict Institute) in the foreword says, ‘As I read ‘EXIT’ it made me think of Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr., who realised that peaceful non-corporation with hostile and aggressive behaviour is within every individual’s hands. We don’t often realise how powerful we are.’
Would you like to create your own exit strategy, just in case you need it?
If so:
- Grab your own copy of EXIT the book
- Watch the EXIT webinar
When Tess is not transforming organisations, she can be found discovering a new corner of the world to sit and write. She and her husband love rummaging through old bookstores for gems. They live on a sailboat with their two dogs and Zac the cat.