Unacceptable behaviour is uncomfortable. So if you answered, ‘YES’ to the above question and you really hate feeling that way, some personal breathing space may help.
Sounds good?
Let’s face it, if you find someone’s behaviour unacceptable it can definitely make you feel uncomfortable.
The challenge is that we tend to not say anything, lest we make the situation worse. In doing so we are effectively giving others permission to continue their unacceptable behaviour. The only certainty out of this course of action is that we will continue to be annoyed. Most likely we will also consequently withdraw. As a result, our communication will be reduced to a bare minimum, which will not achieve your desired outcome.
There is a chance that the other person may have no idea that their behaviour is annoying or unacceptable. From my mediation experience, most people don’t wake up with the intention to annoy someone else. Often, workplace issues start with what are simple misunderstandings that have not been addressed allowing assumptions and gossips to fuel inaccuracy, resulting in the situation escalating. By not communicating your boundaries, you are allowing the situation to take a path that is much harder to recover from. How much of your headspace is going to be consumed while you remain annoyed?
So, in reality, is your inaction acceptable?
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We often start by observing others and assuming that they have a lack of awareness around their behaviour. I ask you to turn your lens internally and ask yourself how well do you know yourself and your triggers?
Creating your breathing space is as much about observing and understanding others as it is about observing and understanding yourself. To do this you need to work out your personal boundaries.
Identifying what you consider to be acceptable and unacceptable behaviour will set limitations to the behaviours that you are prepared to allow into a conversation. Furthermore, having personal and professional boundaries will protect both you and the other person you need to talk to.
What behaviours are unacceptable to you? Could it be things like:
- Raised voice (shouting yelling)
- Talking over you (or others)
- Taking the conversation off topic
- Tardiness
- Not listening
Perhaps they may be a little more aggressive, such as:
- Accusations, assumptions and conspiracies
- Blaming others
- Being rude
Alternatively, it could be things like:
- Gossip and inappropriate small talk
- Isolating behaviours
- Behaviours that create team splits
Some items are simply annoying, while some are triggers. Which are your triggers?
Being able to say that a certain behaviour is not acceptable is a far more powerful message than telling someone that they are not being respectful. To start with, telling someone that they are not being respectful is an assumption. It assumes you know their intent. It has the ability to make things worse.
I would like to share a personal example from my younger self. As a young manager, I would encourage my staff to come up with ideas. I loved it, they did too, and I would get excited and jump in. Then, in my excitement, I would take over the idea and make it bigger than Ben Hur. My staff were very polite and hopefully, they knew I was excited. However, one day another manager, very politely pointed out to me my tendency to do this during meetings. It was a big wake-up call. I was horrified, as it was not my intention to steal other people’s ideas and I learnt then that I needed to adjust my behaviour in both meetings and with my team.
Being able to politely call out what is unacceptable by sharing useful information provides useful information. It is informative and therefore actionable.
As in my example, the other manager gave me specific information along with some tips to try, thus making it actionable for me. Likewise, if you provide useful information, it creates awareness and becomes a choice for the other person to either stop the unacceptable behaviour or to continue.
If you don’t make your request, you will not know if they might take action or not.
Imagine what it would feel like if you spoke to them about their behaviour. Imagine if you created awareness of the impacts of their actions and gave them a chance to understand your perspective. A chance to explain theirs and hopefully, adjust their behaviour accordingly. It goes both ways.
Imagine how much less headspace you will consume going over and over your annoyance.
I challenge you, next time you are annoyed to have a constructive conversation within 24 hours of encountering the unacceptable behaviour. Then see just how much headspace you can free up for the rest of the week.
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Tess Brook is a blogger, author and coach.
Her first step into the publishing world delivered ‘EXIT How to Professionally Exit A Dysfunctional Workplace Conversation’. A little book packed with a punch. Feel the power of taking control of your conversations, exiting, resetting, preparing, and starting it fresh.
Bill Eddy (Chief Innovation Officer at the High Conflict Institute) in the foreword says, ‘As I read ‘EXIT’ it made me think of Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr., who realised that peaceful non-corporation with hostile and aggressive behaviour is within every individual’s hands. We don’t often realise how powerful we are.’
Would you like to create your own exit strategy, just in case you need it?
If so:
- Grab your own copy of EXIT the book
- Watch the EXIT webinar